so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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