I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
