I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Randomize
