I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
