I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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