i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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