Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
