I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
