if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
