take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She even gives head with a lisp.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
