I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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