My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
