I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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