the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Randomize
