The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Be still, my beating vagina.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
