remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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