He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Damn victory sex feels great
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
