she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
