I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
