i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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