hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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