Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
