allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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