she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
just found out that she named her cat after me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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