I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
