Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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