I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Is Oprah even human
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
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