My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
