R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
