I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
