I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize