I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
