I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
