K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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