you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
