maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
