its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize