Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
