I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
