Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
