You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
