My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
