oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize