Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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