I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
