I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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