hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
