never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
