His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
