tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The uberlube is also flammable
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
