she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
