You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
