I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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