Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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