I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
