If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize