our cab driver is having phone sex.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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