Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
