we have pet lesbian snakes
you win again, gameday.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
